Dealing with the inner critic
Das innere Team
The inner critic rarely comes alone. Yet it's often the voice in our heads we hear most loudly—and it sometimes makes it quite difficult for us to enjoy life.
The inner critic is actually just one part of an entire inner team: an inner plurality of different voices that send us different messages every day. This is healthy and helps us sense different needs and make the best decisions through an inner dialogue.
But sometimes the voices of individual inner team members—such as the "inner critic" or the "unconditionally helpful"—take over, and other important voices are neglected when making decisions. Then we can find ourselves resentful, angry, exploited, or belittling ourselves in retrospect, even though the situation is in the past. No matter which voices often play a leading role in your life, it's worth taking a closer look and exploring the talents of your understudy!
Examples from coaching
Andreas frequently doubts himself. He often thinks that others would be disappointed in him if only they really knew him. After social interactions, he repeatedly finds himself lost in self-critical thoughts. Was he perhaps embarrassed by others? Should he have chosen different words? Should he have behaved differently? The critical voice in his head obscures successes and joyful moments. Andreas wants to counter this voice with a more benevolent one.
Isabel loves helping others. Her colleagues recognize her helpfulness and know they can rely on her. However, Isabel has recently become increasingly frustrated. After working overtime several times to help a colleague, she feels exploited, exhausted, and angry. She would like to understand how this inner imbalance within her came about and what she can do about it.
Katja was always an A student and was among the top students in her Abitur. Today, she works as an HR manager and leads a small team. While her teammates can genuinely celebrate even small successes, she often notices an inner dissatisfaction with even major achievements, a drive for "more, better, faster." Her team notices this, too. Katja wants to relax her self-criticism and be able to celebrate successes without immediately thinking about the next summit.
How can we work with the inner critic in coaching?
Working with the inner critic and other strongly expressed parts of yourself is about letting the entire team have their say and understanding the benevolent intentions of each voice. Just like in a real team with colleagues at work, it's important to develop mutual understanding and appreciation and help the team become a unified whole.
Sometimes it can be worthwhile to engage two particularly controversial parties in dialogue to create a framework for respectful collaboration. What does each party need to feel heard and loosen the reins? Which party would like to take up more space in the future? Which small teams can join forces to achieve even better results? To achieve this, we use different approaches to shift perspectives, following Schulz von Thun's approach, and then formulate a new, shared strategy.
Possible coaching questions include:
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How can I become more emotionally balanced?
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How can I tame my inner critic ?
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What good intention lies behind the critical voice?
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How can the different parts of me act as a strong team?
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How do I manage to sense my feelings and needs early on and communicate them?
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How can I make more conscious decisions and become the "leader" of my inner team again?
Approaches to working with the inner critic
The following elements have proven useful for working with the inner critic and other inner voices:
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Working with the inner team according to Schulz von Thun
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Positive Intelligence Framework (PQ)
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Resource-oriented work and self-esteem-enhancing reflection
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Biographical work and classification of events and influences
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Uncovering unhelpful beliefs and developing new, helpful beliefs
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Understanding and appreciating your own feelings and needs
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Constructive work with anger, shame and guilt of the individual inner voices
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Inclusion of elements from the field of writing therapy and psychodrama to promote a change of perspective